Someday
by thenostalgicdreamer
Summary: Zay reflects on his feelings for Isadora Smackle.


_For CL_

_Thank you for being worthy of the trust I put in you._

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It's been a long time coming, and he can't tell you exactly when he knew Isadora Smackle was something special. They've been friends for so long, and it wasn't like he looked at her one day and suddenly knew her hair was the softest and shiniest he had ever seen or that the look on her face when she figures something out is what makes him feel alive. There wasn't any one moment; there's just a collection of them that he'll never take for granted. She is like no one else he's ever known, and sometimes he thinks that no one else knows her quite like he does.

Back in Texas, he had always been the "cute friend"—memorable perhaps but never the main event. He couldn't be not when Lucas was around. Lucas couldn't help it; he was too stereotypically handsome and conventionally attractive to not draw girls like a bees to a beautiful flower. No one saw past him to see his best friend. Zay hadn't minded at the time or at least not much. Being friends with Lucas was one of the best things that had ever happened to him, and if it came with its own inconveniences, well, he'd take it. Besides, Lucas had his flaws too—Zay was well aware of that, and he'd take being naturally gentle and patient over being conventionally attractive any day.

As content as he was to be the "cute friend", he couldn't deny that the label caused him issues when it came to girls. To put it simply, he just wasn't noticed. Perhaps his jokes were heard, but the girls were always too busy looking at Lucas to see him at all. That situation had lead him to play at love like it was some sort of game he wasn't sure he could win. He had pursued Vanessa knowing full well that she would never be that interested in him. She was cute and fun, and the chase was enjoyable even if he knew it wasn't going anywhere. Even then, though, he had been subconsciously longing for more. There was this part of his heart that knew he couldn't (and wouldn't) settle for anything less than something that would ensure his on-going domestic bliss.

It was coming to New York that had rocked his world. Being among "snobby" city kids was the last thing he would have expected to change his mind about the social scene, but Lucas' new friends were anything but snobby. In fact, they were far less concerned about social status than the people he had gone to school with in Texas. Perhaps it was the security of a circle of close friends or the influence of Riley's father who never failed to encourage them to grow and explore the world. Either way, they couldn't care less about rising the ranks and didn't even have a concept for a "cute friend". They saw Zay as he had never seen himself before—an individual with unique gifts and a potential for making a mark on the world. In time, he began to soak up their belief in him like water in a sponge, and he knows that he wouldn't be the person he is today without it.

In recent years, he's frequently been called upon to be a dispenser of relationship advice. He's not sure why Lucas has kept asking him when his own experiences have been limited, but it's a good thing because for all his charm Lucas can be absolutely clueless when it comes to girls. Zay knows that he can't claim sole responsibility for Lucas and Maya ending up together. Still, he knows that it never would have happened without his help. Lucas has made a lot of fumbles, and he can't count the number of times he jumped in to help save the day.

Unfortunately, all of the long phone conversations with Lucas have not turned him into some sort of love expert, and he still has no idea of what to do about his feelings for Isadora Smackle. He doesn't think that they'd be bad together, but he also has not been able to make himself say anything to her even though he's had plenty of opportunity. She is incredibly brilliant and from a wealthy, successful family who has always told her to shoot for the stars. He knows she appreciates him as a person and as a friend, but that doesn't make him the kind of person her family wants her to date. He is no Farkle Minkus—school is not forte, and there's no family business for him to inherit when his dad retires. There's reason to believe that she's not necessarily looking for that. However, there is no way to know for sure. He has too much pride to approach her like he would someone who he considers out of his league. He may not be the rich boy her parents want her to marry, but the two of them are in every sense equals—capable, he believes, of continually expanding each other's horizons. He doesn't know what he's waiting for exactly. Does he hope she'll come to him? He's not sure. He just knows he's not ready to say anything yet.

He had been so sure that moving away for college would be the end of his feelings for her. He's not good at holding onto the past, and moving away to New York had all but extinguished his feelings for Vanessa. Perhaps he had gone back and tried to pursue her again, but that was only because his head hadn't quite caught up to his heart. This time is different; it's totally different. Yes, he's been interested in other girls and has tried his hand at dating them, but he simply can't get Isadora out of his head. She is like a light that only seems to shine brighter with time never failing to inspire him to find a way to be an even better man than he is today. She's so ambitious, gosh, she's ambitious. He'd describe it as this passion for experiencing more of life. She's willing to do anything and grow, grow, grow to see that happen to an even greater extent. It's like knowing that—knowing her—has awoken something deep inside of him that he didn't even know was there. She inspires him like nothing has ever inspired him before, and that inspiration has formed this bond that ties him to her even when she's far away. She is with him every day from the first moment he awakes, and he always just wants to get closer to her light, her passion, her love. It's so much more than just a crush or just liking or perhaps even being in love. It's unlike anything he's ever experienced before, and he knows deep down that it's hopeless.

The college dating scene was supposed to be full of opportunities. There had been opportunities, but at the same time, the whole experience had proved very disappointing. As a dance major, a lot of his time had been taken up with dance club. That was what he had been expecting, and he feels no regret over the hours he spent pouring into his art and getting to know others who loved it just as much. However, the girls in dance were strictly off-limits. Maybe there were no rules against it, but everyone assured him that dating any of them would be social suicide. He knew what they were talking about, and although he contemplated throwing caution to the wind and dating a dancer anyway, he had never felt strongly enough about any of the girls to actually do it. After freshman year, he had turned his eyes outward to other girls on campus. Although he had tried, nothing had ever gone anywhere. He blames the stupid guy dancer stereotypes. People were way too quick to assume that they knew his personality and lifestyle simply by knowing what he enjoyed. Being a dancer did not make him anything more than good at dance. Still, how could he convince anyone of that?

After he graduated, things got somewhat better. He moved past the disappointing friendships and dating prospects of college and heard that Isadora would be coming to town for school. It had proved to be the start of something new. Even though he had lived near Farkle and Riley for college, he had hardly seen them. He chalks it up to Farkle and Riley being so madly in love that they lost sight of the rest of the world for awhile. The fog finally lifted whether it was because they finally got married he's not sure, but it did. He started hanging out at their place, and it was so deeply reassuring after the drought of college when he had missed the closeness of their friend group and his high school dance studio friends.

He still has no words for how simply wonderful it was to see Isadora again. His memory may not be exceptionally good, but he's sure he'll always remember that night like it was yesterday. Walking into Farkle and Riley's a little late as was his custom, he had known that it was the night Isadora would finally be there. Still, the moment he had seen her at the end of the counter chatting with Riley, his heart had been completely overwhelmed. She was real. She was there. She was going to be there. A split second later, she had seen him too, and they had locked eyes, and he had been unable to move. Somehow without even saying a word to her, he had known that she was okay. She was more than okay. She had come back more than she had ever been before. After what felt like forever, she had run up and pulled him into a bear hug. He remembers her rubbing his back and thinking it was the best hug he had gotten in so long. There was so much genuine warmth there. Maybe warmth wasn't something he associated with her, but he had always believed that there was so much more to her than met the eye. He hadn't been able to take his eyes off her all night. He had found so much joy watching her stand up and sit back down again and curl her fingers around her tea cup and take a sip of her tea and tap her finger nails on her cup. He finally left early in the morning with a heart fuller than it had been a very long time.

He had always been so hopeless when it came to her, but that night he had known that it was simply over. She was like a new person and yet more herself than she had ever been at the same time. It was indescribable really but such is growth. She was bolder now and more confident. While perhaps she had always been outspoken, there had always been barriers before. Effort had permeated every interaction he had ever had with her. She had wanted so much to be right and do everything right and had been terrified that she wasn't doing anything right. He still wasn't sure how it all had happened, but college had shown her that she didn't have to be afraid. She was alright. Somewhere along the line, she had chosen to accept herself. That was abundantly clear. The hesitation that had marked her every action before was gone. She was simply Isadora ready to be different from or the same as everyone else or whatever that happened to mean in any given moment. Seeing her live so openly and freely made him unspeakably happy and more obsessed than ever with everything that she was.

That was a year ago, and what had followed was one of the hardest seasons of her life. The doctoral student heading up her research project had treated her like dirt day in and day out. Facing consistent negative comments about her performance, she had begun to feel like she didn't belong in academia. As ridiculous as that sounded to him, he could only imagine how devastated he would feel were he to lose dance. Academia was her life—the place where she had always belonged. Watching her suffer had been so painful especially when he watched her began to change and become unsure where she had always been confident, panicky where she had been calm, pessimistic where she had always been optimistic. Worst yet had been not knowing what he could do. It had been a long time since they had been close, and he had no idea what to say that would actually make her feel better. He had taken it day by day hugging her when he could and listening always hoping he could somehow ease her pain.

It had always been her openness that had captivated him. She had been blessed with a unique prospective on the world that she was usually willing to share. She said what she thought without worrying about what anyone else would think of it, and she was always completely genuine. It was a breath of fresh air in a world where way too many people were fake and pretentious. When she came back from college, he noticed that her newfound confidence had destroyed the walls of insecurity that had kept her from feeling like she should share her whole self with the world. It was when she found her future unsure and her very identity shaken though that she completely opened up to him. She couldn't hide anymore; everything that she felt and everything that she was lay bare and open to view. He watched her cry, saw her sometimes completely overshadowed by sadness, and heard her express doubts and fear; and it only made him love her more. He knew it was trust that told her that he was someone who could see it all without judging or being unkind. It thrilled him like nothing else to know that she knew that she was safe in his hands. Seeing her truly vulnerable for the first time made him long to protect her from everything sad in the world, from everyone who treated her unfairly. Yet, there was so little he could really do. He knew little of the steps to be undertaken in such a situation—all he could do was support her and help her to know that she always mattered to him. How much it hurt him to be unable to do more!

That was last year, and things are getting better again. She has been assigned to a different research project, and her hope is growing stronger by the day. There's no words really for how proud he is of her and the fact that she didn't let the hardship make her bitter. If anything, she's more expressive than ever—kinder, softer, gentler. He knows she fought so hard for that because he watched her do that. She is remarkable; he's always known that, but it's also never been more true. Getting to be there for her and to be the person she trusted and leaned on when she felt that everything around her was giving way has bound him to her in a whole new way. Her trust in him has only made his trust in her grow too. He loves her so much. He can't even say exactly how much because it's unquantifiable, but he can say that it's more than he imagined loving anyone, and he truly can't imagine life without her. When he thinks about everything he thinks and feels and everything that ties them together, he feels stupid for not saying anything to her. The potential for the beautiful romance he's dreamed about has practically fallen into his lap, and he's just waiting around. Sometimes, he's sure there's no way she'd say no. Surely, she's too fond of him for that, but he's Zay, and she's Isadora Smackle, and all they've ever been is best friends. What if she says no? She could. So, he waits with a heart full to bursting. Someday, he's going to tell her, and she will say yes. Someday, she'll tell him how much she loves him. Someday, she'll never ever be too far away again. But that's someday. Today, he waits. Today, he savors the wonder that there is an Isadora and that he gets to be her very best friend.


End file.
